Author Archives: Amy Kloiber

I am a neurodivergent mom who enjoys running, dancing, laughing, and spending time making positive connections

Dealing with the difficult

I’m working on a few difficult posts right now. One that brings up a lot of feelings. Feelings that I haven’t addressed in a calm open way. The previous times I have delved into these feelings was during emotional crises. Confronting difficult feelings during and emotional crisis is challenging and takes a lot of courage. I am passed the crises and am now in the longer lasting work. I am looking at past generational trauma has effected me as a person and how I can change my mindset to improve my relationship with myself and others. I am working on not falling into old habits and beliefs, but it’s all progress not perfection.

My awakening came when I realized that I need boundaries. Nurturing positive connections, is all about making positive connections with others while still retaining boundaries. An idea from the show The Good Place has stuck with me and it is the happiness pump. I could spend my life being a happiness pump. I could make everyone around me happy and be exactly what I think they want me to be and I would lose myself in the process. Unfortunately, this is what I had been trying to do for years. When I was young I tried to make everyone one else happy and when I became a parent I tried to stifle and fit my children into a mold I thought society wanted them to be and I believed that if they didn’t fit into this mold then I was bad parent. I didn’t respect my children or their emotional boundaries and I didn’t let them just be children because I was always afraid of what others might think.

Had I looked at my own childhood, I would have become aware that I was perpetuating generational trauma. Breaking generational trauma is difficult because it means understanding why your parents’s behaviors and committing to not making their mistakes. It is about ending old ways of parenting and doing what is right for your family. It is about knowing your parents’s limitations and knowing they did what they thought was best. It is about confronting abuse and, by confronting, to end it. It is about growth.

I realize why my parents parented the way they did. My mom’s dad died suddenly when she was 14. Her whole world changed after one factory accident and I don’t think she has ever recovered from it. As a parent she would micromanage, she said she was just worried about me; but, it was stifling. She was so afraid of losing another family member that she didn’t want me to grow up. She wanted me to be completely dependent on her and I understand why she acted the way she did, but I can’t let her trauma influence how I raise my own children.

My dad, well, my dad never wanted children. My dad is selfish and taking care of someone else isn’t something that he is capable of doing. I wish I could say that he lived in an abusive house growing up and that’s why he acts this way. I didn’t know my paternal grandparents well enough to be able to say how they parented, but I’m sure they were abusive because my dad and my stepmom believe in hitting children. For them spanking is how you discipline, but that is not how I am going to raise my children.

I’m well aware that I am not a perfect parent and that I make a lot of mistakes parenting. I am however willing to keep evolving as a parent because parenting is a journey and not a destination. I also want my children to understand that they can become better parents than I am and that making mistakes is part of learning, that we are all learning, and that we can learn from the mistakes of the past.

Thanksgiving

We didn’t have a “traditional” Thanksgiving this year and that is okay. We didn’t have a turkey, we didn’t have mashed potatoes, gravey, green bean casserole, or a ton of desserts. We had white chicken chilli, corn bread muffins, cranberry relish (not the one that comes in a can, but the one with cranberries, oranges, and sugar), watergate salad, and pumpkin pie. We didn’t have a “traditional” Thanksgiving and this was one of my favorite Thanksgivings.

This year’s Thanksgiving was relaxing because it wasn’t perfect. I was able to enjoy my time with my parents and my little girl. My little girl and I went to the park and played before going to my parent’s house. We had some great connection while playing at the park. My daughter was happy and I was happy.

Playing at the park before Thanksgiving

My mom wished for a traditional Thanksgiving and I knew it bothered her that we didn’t have a big feast and that her house is still being remodeled. She grew up with a big family and a large Thanksgiving was something always important to her. I am a single child and my husband is also a single child. Yes, I liked the big Thanksgivings we had with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins; but they also caused me a lot of anxiety. I could have planned a big meal. I could have invited a lot of people, but my husband worked today and some years I will be working on Thanksgiving so being flexible just makes sense. My mom kept bring up her house and not having a big feast and wanting to start having holiday meals; but we did have a holiday meal. We ate a meal together as a family on holiday.

I was happy this Thanksgiving because I wasn’t focused on being perfect. I was happiest because I was focused on connecting with those around me and those connections are what make the holidays. My daughter doesn’t need big elaborate holidays for them to feel special. She feels special when her grandpa dances with her, when her grandma tickles her, and when her chases her around the park. Her happy memories will be witht he people she loves.

The truth about meltdowns

Children don’t have metldowns because they are bad children. Let me repeat that: Children don’t have meltdowns because they are bad children. Children have meltdowns because all behavior is communication and they are trying to communicate their needs.

Sometimes, as a parent with small children, it can feel like all your child does is have meltdowns. The wrong cup can cause your child to start screaming, crying, or hitting. And sometimes, it seems like nothing you do can help calm your child. In these times the best thing that you can do is to remain calm. Your child needs you to remain calm. You are their first teacher on how to interact with the world. You remaining calm will help them remain calm.

I used to make my children’s meltdowns worse by not remaining calm and arguing with them. I thought I was being calm, but I was no. I was also not meeting each of my children’s individual needs during their meltdowns. Some children need space, some children need to release energy, some children need a hug or physical contact to help regulate their emotions. Always remember during a meltdown: Your child is not giving you a hard time they are having a hard time.

Again your child is not giving you a hard time they are having a hard time and they are communicating this to you. Since all behavior is communication it is your job to find out what that communication means. Lemon Lime Adventures https://lemonlimeadventures.com/ has great resources parenting and understanding children’s behaviors. Once you start to understand what your child’s behavior is trying to communicate, it becomes easier to meet their needs.

Telling a child to use their words during a meltdown does not help you or your child. Your child is communicating their needs. Older ways of parenting expect children to immediately calm down when their parents tell them to stop. I used to use the old way of parenting and it caused my children so much pain because I wasn’t meeting their needs and I wasn’t understanding what their behaviors were communicating to me because I was stuck on them just listening and obeying me. I still make mistakes and I still slip into the old ways of parenting at times, but I am learning and my relationship with my children is improving. It is even helping my relationship with my husband and others around me because I see their behavior as communication. It is this empathy and understanding that I want to impart upon my children and others. My youngest is learning that other people’s behavior is communication and even says that her friends are having a hard time when they are having meltdowns.

Learning what a child is communicating through their behavior also helps curb meltdowns because you start to understand what triggers meltdowns in your child. It also helps you learn what triggers meltdowns in yourself and all people experience meltdowns. The difference is in how people respond to their triggers, once you know what triggers you, then you can use tools to help you remain calm, even when triggered.

My youngest has fewer meltdowns now because I am better at understanding what her behavior is communicating to me and am able to stop meltdowns before they happen, and if she is having a meltdown, I am better able at connecting with her and helping her through it. Connection helps us better understand what are child are communicating to us and helps us understand that all behavior is communication.

The importance of self care

Self care is one of the most important things a person can do for themselves, but so often, parents and caregivers find it difficult for self care. When my children were young, finding time for myself seemed impossible and I felt guilty for taking care of myself. I got burnt out and touched out and then I would become a monster and yell. I yelled much over things that were not important and over things that could have been solved, by connecting with my children and understanding where they were coming from. I’m getting better with my self care and have found a few things that I use.

1. Washing face or hands It’s a simple self care ritual I have, but it has helped me so much. I’ve never been one to wear makeup, but I’m starting to use skin care products and for me it helps. The warm or hot water on my hands or face just helps me focus myself. Plus the simple act, especially, when washing my hands calms me when I am stressed out.

2. Shower or bath Again another water related thing, but water helps calm me. It is easier for me to take baths or showers because my children are older and don’t need constant attention. When my children were little a bath was a luxury.

3. Yoga Yoga has been one of the most restorative things that I have done for myself. I currently follow Yoga with Adrienne https://yogawithadriene.com/ because she has some very awesome short 5 minute yoga sessions and she has a great yoga for manual laborers, which helps me after a long 12 hours working in a factory.

4. Sleep Sleep is so important, but is often a self care item we overlook. I am very guilty of this. I work 12 hour swing shifts and I loose a lot of sleep because of my work schedule. It is this lack of sleep that has made me realize just how important it is for myself and for all of us. New parents also lack sleep because of having a newborn and a young baby or young children around. The best thing to offer new parents is a nap and let them sleep.

Running The best self care that I can give myself is to go for a run. What I gain from running is more than just physical. Running is my moving meditation. I forget everything when I run because I am so focused on the way my body feels out in nature. I focus on my breath, the way my feet land on the ground, I focus on the way the breeze hits my body, the sound of birds, the animal tracks I see. It is moving meditation and it is the best self care I use for myself because it brings me closer to myself and the world around me.

These are a few of the things I use to care for and center myself. Many of them only take a few moments, but those few moments are a tremendous help to me. I am better able to connect with my children if I have taken care of myself first. We need to encourage parents and caregivers to take time for self care and we need to give parents and caregivers that time. We need to stop shaming parents and caregivers for taking time for self care because that self care is important for them, their children, and their families.

Why somedays are harder than others

We all have those days. Days when everything just doesn’t work out. Days when we look on Facebook, Instagram, and Tiktok and see people with their perfect lives and their perfect children. And everyone one seems happy in their reels and their photos. The kids are getting along, the parents aren’t yelling, and no one is having a meltdown. Everything. Is. Perfect. We want to be that perfect family. We look at our own life and we wonder why doesn’t my house look perfect, why can’t I get my kids to play so well together, and what is my toddler eating now?!? What we don’t realize is that the reels and photos don’t show the real world, they only show an illusion of what others want us to see.

I was pregnant and had my oldest before Facebook and Myspace were even a thing so with them I didn’t have all the presures that I have now of appearing to be the perfect parent online. I did, however, go through a lengthy custody battle when they were a baby and a few more times throughout their life. I think had social media been as big as it is now when my oldest was little it would have broken me. I tried so hard to be the perfect mother. I tried so hard to fit into a box and I broke. I completely broke because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was trying to do all the things and be all the things and I forgot about myself.

Forgetting myself made me spiral into a deep dark depression. I struggled for a long time to get out of that depression.  I still struggle with feelings of depression, but now I don’t view it as a character flaw in myself, but rather a chemical imablance that I occasionally experience. I will say that anyone who is feeling depressed should go and seek out help and that anyone who is feeling suicidal should contact the Suicide Help Line at 800-273-8255.

Looking back, I realize that taking care of myself would have been the best thing for me, but I was raised that once a woman has a child her whole focus should be on that child and all her hopes, dreams, and hobbies need to be shelved and closeted because now she is a parent. It was okay for fathers to have their hobbies, but women, well, women, they were mothers and that should make them happy and that should be enough for them. That mindset didn’t make me happy, in fact, that mindset made me hate being a woman. I loved my child and I liked being a mom, but I hated being a woman. I had goals that I didn’t want to give up and my upbringing was telling me that I needed to give up my goals because I was now a parent.

Had I been exposed to all of the Facebook, Instagram, and Tiktok posts and reels at that time; I would have felt even worse about myself. I would have internalized it and thought I was a bad parent for wanting to be seen as more than just a mom and I think that other parents feel this way, too. We’re so conditioned to think that it’s all or nothing. That we need to shame each other because our parenting styles differ. Taking time to focus on myself has made me a better parent. Yes, I still have days were I lose my shit, but those days are more infrequent and when I do lose my shit I apologize and tell my child that I was having a hard time and that how I behaved wasn’t a good way of dealing with my emotions.

I will never be the perfect mom I see on social media, but I am the perfect mom for my children and they are the perfect children for me. Besides, that perfect mom is the same illusion of the sitcom mom and a stereotype we need to destroy. Our lives look perfect if all we post are our best photos and videos, only humans aren’t perfect. We have big emotions and sometimes we don’t handle our big emotions well. Our houses are not always spotless, we have arguments with our significant others, our children have meltdowns, and sometimes we have crappy days at work. What we need to stop doing is comparing ourselves to each other and realize that we are all doing the best that we can.

Connection is everything

When I first became a parent over 19 years ago, I thought that parenting was all about getting your children to follow the rules and that children had to fit into a small and specfic box. Children were good or bad based on their behavior. I spent a lot of time yelling. Yes, I did have fun playing with my oldest, but I was also very stressed out and spent more time yelling instead of finding connections with them and my other children. It took my family nearly falling apart before I found a new way to parent. One that focuses on connection, understanding, and empowerment.

I learned about a new parenting approach through Dayna Abraham’s Lemon Lime Adventures https://lemonlimeadventures.com/ on Facebook and joined her free group before joining the Calm the Chaos 90 day program and then continuing on in the program. I joined looking for a way to deal with meltdowns and poor behavior and learned that the way to help chaos in my life was by making connections, first with myself, and then with my family.

At first, I thought the process was insane. Focusing on myself, finding connections, and celebrating small wins didn’t seem like it would help my family at all. How could focusing on myself help my family? I was struggling and my family was struggling. All I wanted was a quick fix, but sometimes, a quick fix isn’t what we need and isn’t the best thing for us.

Connection is everything and connecting with yourself is so important because it helps you focus on connecting with your family and others around you. I am neurodivergent and there are many things that cause me to disregulate. Finding ways to calm myself during my own disregulation through Dayna’s Stop, Breathe, Anchor (SBA) has helped me when my own children are having big feelings and emotions. This is not to say that there aren’t meltdowns, but this is all about progress not perfection. Parenting is never about perfection. Perfect parents and perfect children do not exist, but children aren’t good or bad. Children don’t give their parents, teachers, siblings, or caregivers a hard time; children have a hard time and need help dealing with their big emotions.

Changing my parenting focus from disciplinarian to one that focuses on connection has helped so much. Not only in the way that I parent, but also in the way I interact with my husband and others in my life, but also in the way that I see other’s behavior. I see people as needing connection and understanding, especially, positive connections and understanding that helps empower them to grow as indviduals.